Friendly reminder: If you are spending time with loved ones this holiday season, you are fortunate. If you are buying gifts for others or receiving them, you are fortunate. If you have a roof over your head, a job, and people who love you, you are fortunate.
Instead of gearing up for fights and stress, let’s gear up for how to practice giving grace to those we will be spending intimate time with this year. We spend time with our family and friends, because we love each other. This can quickly become muddled in the face of conflict, hurt feelings, and disagreement. This year I challenge you to prepare for differences and handle them with grace. Giving grace can be interpreted different ways. Today I want to talk about giving grace in the form of being thankful for someone’s presence, for accepting they may have differing opinions than you, and for loving them all the same.
Different Opinions are Okay
Agree to disagree. Keep an open mind and think about where the other person is coming from.
If there was ever a time of significant division amongst our nation, it’s now. Emotions run high, tempers are hot, and tolerance is low. But we have to remember that the beauty of humans is how starkly we are all different from one another. Different is not bad. Different brings culture, character, acceptance, and perspective. Different makes us all better, though it can be hard to process at times. Discomfort is a normal and natural response in the face of opposition to what our beliefs are. Yet we must remember that we all have different life experiences, different situations, different upbringings, and different social groups that all affect how we develop our opinions. Whether you think someone is right or wrong, I encourage you to engage with them with an open mind and be willing to accept that you may not find common ground. And there is nothing wrong with that. I think many of us have lost the ability to fight fair. Give grace to others and to yourself.
Maintain Boundaries that are Comfortable for You
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore”… is a perfectly acceptable response to someone who is not communicating in a healthy way. Shouting, shaming, swearing, and dominating are likely not going to help anyone feel better. If any of those things start happening to you, end the conversation. This is only one example of maintaining a boundary.
I know that many of us have cyclical relationship problems with family members that tend to flare during the holiday season when we all come together. The flaring happens when one or both parties don’t have effective coping strategies to anticipate discord and then manage it when it occurs. It is HARD to set boundaries. It is HARD to do things differently than they’ve been done in the past. But boundaries are meant to protect you and yours.
Other examples of topics that you might consider setting boundaries around include: parenting strategies, lifestyle choices, relationships, work, talking about money, personal questions, etc.
Let Go of Perfection
For yourself and for others. Tis the season for scrounging around the house looking for all of the things someone might notice about your home that aren’t perfect. Tis the season for fussing about your appearance even though most of us will just be standing around in a kitchen or lounging on the sofa. Women, we are the worst at this. And yet, it’s not our fault. In addition to child rearing, house keeping, working, and pretending to participate in self-care, we often are expected to shoulder most of the responsibilities that come with preparing for holidays including hosting, cooking, cleaning, and entertaining large groups of people. This year I challenge you to share some of those responsibilities with your spouse and family members, and when they are not perfectly executed to your standards, let it go.
Be Kind
Perhaps this is the most important of all. Just, be nice. You can disagree without being ugly. You can voice differing opinions without shaming. Listen without interruption. Listen without waiting to share your better story or your opinions. Listen empathetically, and hold space for others who need you to be their safe space.
Similarly, be kind to yourself. Most of us have an ongoing dialogue of criticism and judgment that is most harsh when we spotlight ourselves. We are our own worst critics, no? What is the old saying… if you wouldn’t say it to someone else, don’t say it to yourself.
Set a good example for the littles. Create and foster traditions for them to look forward to and to cherish, even long after we are gone. Model healthy communication and even let them see the resolution, apologies if needed and regaining a balance of peace.
Focus on Staying Positive
Interrupt the negative thought processes that may have become automated for you over time. So much of our world is portrayed as negative, scary, and hopeless. But you can choose to adopt an optimistic perspective and practice giving grace in lieu of judgment. I can guarantee that most of us are just doing the best we can with what we’ve got to work with.
Here are some examples of how to interrupt the negative knee-jerk reactions:
- They are always late. VS I am glad they are able to make it today.
- I am so tired. VS I am healthy, I am here.
- I have too much to do. VS I may have taken too much on this year, can you help me with some of these things?
- This is too expensive. VS We will do the best we can with our budget, and I won’t be overspending this year.
- My family sucks. VS I am happy to have a family.
- I don’t want to go there. VS I am lucky to have somewhere to go.
Embrace What You Can Control, Let Go of What You Cannot
You can’t control…
- When your kids throw themselves on the floor in a tantrum
- When your dog lays all over your freshly vacuumed floors
- Your family showing up 2 hours late… or 4 hours late
- Other people’s thoughts and opinions
- The weather
- Timely delivery of online purchases
So, let it go.
You can control …
- Your thought processes on everything that happens during the holidays
- The grace you extend to others
- Your words
- Your peace
- Eating a snack so you aren’t hangry
- Your boundaries
- Time blocking for things you want to get accomplished and starting many days in advance to alleviate stress
Summary
Time with loved ones should be cherished and appreciated as much as possible. No family is perfect, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t things to be grateful for. Giving grace to others is a good place to start. Funny cousins, moms that should have a cooking show, the family members that swear too much, the person who always makes inappropriate jokes… that is character. Take time this year to look for those things that help you look forward to gatherings, and remember to be kind.
Check out my first holiday blog post in this series, Vegan Christmas Treats, for how to create more compassionate traditions on your kitchen table!
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