6 Ways to Strengthen Your Marriage While Parenting a Baby

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I sat down to tell you how to strengthen your marriage, and then I froze. How do you even begin to describe the impact that children have on a marriage, especially as first-time parents? If you are a parent already, you know. But where are the words for it for those who are expecting or perhaps even those currently in the trenches?

I feel bold venturing to say it is possible to strengthen your marriage in the first year of parenting. And yet, you can. I want to highlight 6 simple ways to maintain your intimacy, strengthen your bond, and actively pursue one another during your first year of parenting with your partner. Keep reading.

When a child joins your family, it is humbling, beautiful, and exhilarating. They are tiny, but suddenly your house is full of massive equipment that hums, jiggles, and contains their little bodies. There are toys that flash, squeak, and wave around for engagement and brain development (or so the instructions on the toys say). It takes some time to figure out how your marriage has changed or how it will be different moving forward. Be proactive. Implement the next 6 tips to strengthen your marriage and reap the benefits of parenting collaboration.

MAKE A PARTNER PLAN WITH YOUR PARTNER

So, yes, you have your diapers and your bottles and your jammies. Now, you need a partner plan. This is perhaps more important preparation than even buying the diapers and wipes. This is the key to how you strengthen your marriage in the first year of parenting. Most new parents live in a haze of postpartum healing, breast milk, and interrupted sleep for the first 3 months. It is life-changing. It is all-consuming. Your partner can be right next to you, soaking in the newborn days on their own baby leave from work, and yet you can still lose each other as easily as if they were in another country.

The loneliness and disconnect that will happen as the mother navigates her own birth as a parent can create a gulf as big as the ocean between her and her partner. By both of you simply acknowledging the truth and existence of baby blues, postpartum depression, and postpartum anxiety, you are already winning together.

You need each other more than you ever have and more than you ever will in the face of child birth and parenting.

I recommend that you plan for how you will support each other in the thick of it, especially during the fourth trimester. Make a list of 5-10 ways you will feel supported and loved individually, write it down, and then hang it on your fridge. Try to do one of the things on the list every day.

For her, this might look like:

• Running her an herbal, warm bath at the end of the day
• Holding the baby during nap time so that mom can nap at the same time
• Give mom a massage during the day with massage oil
• Keep mom’s favorite snacks stocked, and her water bottle full
• Friend time
• Buying her gifts

For your partner, this might look like:

• Thanking them for their efforts
• Taking a family walk in the evenings (weather permitting)
• Allowing them to take a nap
• Letting them run errands alone
• Friend time
• Physical contact

Let’s be real, there are times that you will want to commit crimes against your spouse. Even with a partner plan in place, it is easy to respond to conflict with knee-jerk automated responses that you’ve used in the past. That type of communication can be hurtful, and it is important for you to now be more intentional and clear with how you respond and request from your partner.

By having a discrete plan in place, you have a tangible list of options to express your affection and support for your spouse. The options you are choosing from have been created by your partner, so you can’t go wrong with revisiting that list as a resource.

Beyond the first three months, keep updating this list with what is most meaningful to you both. Even if you cannot do something for each other daily, you can try one thing on the list weekly. You must create time for your marriage and partnership, there is no one else who can do that for you.

DOUBLE TEAM THE BABY, AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE

You would think that two adults to one small bundle of baby would be plenty, and yet it seems you never have enough hands to accomplish the daily tasks like dressing, diaper changes, and feeding. Now, while I wrestle a 14-month-old for diaper changes, I have an entirely new perspective on the newborn period. Let’s talk about daily tasks and how you can strengthen your marriage simply by participating in them together.

Breastfeeding is not only the mother’s responsibility. While mom settles in to nurse the baby, here are some tips for how to help her:

• Help position her with pillows by making sure her arms and back are supported comfortably. Then help position the baby as needed or if she asks you. This will be very helpful to her in the early days of breastfeeding as she is learning to handle and position the baby.
• Bring her water and food. Then bring her more food.
• Ask her what she needs
• Help store and put away milk that she collects in her haaka while the baby nurses.
• Sit up with her at night while she breastfeeds. Even if you aren’t talking, simply having a partner that is awake during those lonely nights is indescribable.
• Be ready to contact the lactation consultant for her if she asks you.

Tackle diaper changes together until you both get the hang of it. Your baby may be upset by diaper changes initially, and it will be tremendously helpful to have an extra pair of hands to manage clothing, pass wipes, plug in the pacifier, and deal with the dirty diapers.

Get up at night together. Even when feeding at night is established, your baby may still wake up other times looking for the comfort of your presence. While many babies prefer mom, the mother’s partner can support her while she supports the baby. The presence of the partner for her in those difficult, sleepy times will help her feel loved and bonded. It will strengthen your marriage as you show up for each other, especially when it’s hard. When it’s hard, that’s when it matters the most.

There are many other tasks throughout the day that you will notice are more easily accomplished together. Great! As much as you can, double team the baby. In this way, you are showing up for each other and communicating, “you are not alone.”

PHYSICAL CONTACT WITH YOUR PARTNER EVERY DAY

A woman is at her most vulnerable right after giving birth. She is sore, bleeding, and shaken from the experience of child birth. She also has a tiny human attached to her at all times of day and night with barely a break long enough to shower. And yet, she needs physical contact with her partner, to draw strength from their energy and rest in the solidarity of their arms as much as possible.

A mother needs to be mothered in those early postpartum days, so that she can learn to mother her own.

A woman draws so much strength from her support system, and her partner is the most crucial person in that network. The partner should represent her biggest cheerleader and greatest teammate. The partner’s energy is impactful and powerful, so that person should be intentional and conscious of the energy they bring around an already vulnerable mother.

For the mother’s partner: Be strong, and be an advocate for her. Be present and attentive. Support her physically, emotionally and spiritually in the ways that she communicates with you, and if it is unclear what you can do for her then simply, gently ask her.

In the fourth trimester, this physical contact might look like…

• Sitting close together on the couch while watching TV with new baby sleeping nearby or in someone’s arms
• Taking naps together if baby will sleep in a crib or pack-n-play
• Resting together, snuggling in bed after baby goes to sleep at night
• Holding hands
• Massages
• Gentle kisses throughout the day
• Hugging, and I mean a full body embrace, for 1-2 minutes

Beyond the fourth trimester, this physical contact might look like…

• Hugging, and I still mean a full body embrace, for 1-2 minutes
• Resting together in the evenings, snuggle
• Holding hands in the car
• Massages
• Exercising together
• Resuming sexual intercourse when mom is fully healed and emotionally, physically, and mentally ready

WEEKLY CHECK-INS

Remember that you brought each other joy before the baby, and you can commit to bringing each other joy with your newest addition. This is how you will strengthen your marriage. Every week, for the first few months, I challenge you to have an intentional, weekly check-in. It doesn’t have to be formal or rehearsed, but it does require a specific time where you provide each other undivided attention to check-in with each other.

Each of you will have a turn to talk about whatever is on your mind, uncensored and without judgment for 3-5 minutes. Your partner should practice open listening, hearing you and processing what you are saying without interruption.

Ask each other these questions below. Commit to communicating calmly.

• How are you doing?
• How are we doing as a couple?
• How are we doing as parents?
• How do you feel?

Remember that you are individuals, and your experience of the birth and whatever is happening postpartum is completely unique. You could also ask each other these questions:

• Tell me how you felt about the birth experience, what stands out the most to you? What was easy, hard, surprising?
• How are you feeling now as a new parent?
• How can I help support you better?

I ask that you end your weekly check-ins with observing one thing that you love about your partner and one thing that you appreciate about your partner.

Weekly check-ins can be pivotal to keeping you and your partner connected in those tender months following child birth. As you settle into your new routine, I hope you find joy and peace within your partnership while considering the novel challenges and responsibilities you face.

Beyond the fourth trimester, I challenge you and your partner to maintain monthly check-ins. You may have to write it on your calendar to remind yourself. Creating space for this open listening conversation will support your partnership and keep the channels of communication open and flowing smoothly. This will strengthen your marriage.

PRIORITIZE EACH OTHER ABOVE ALL ELSE

Choose each other. Choose kindness. Choose friendliness. The choice to choose each other is what will strengthen your marriage here.

Choose to love each other while you learn to love and care for your baby together.

Undoubtedly, you will bond over the precious and delicate human who has just joined your family. Through that experience of bonding over your baby, take time to look especially at each other and absorb the beautiful energy from the other that resonates from this bountiful experience.

Prioritizing each other might look like…

• Instead of rushing out of bed in the morning, pause to say good morning.
• Instead of rushing to bed at night, pause to say good night.
• Incorporate that physical connection I talked about above, and you will feel your body respond in calm and peace with each other.
• Reconnect after disagreements and arguments. Hugs, space, apologies, kind gestures, words of affirmation.
• Be on the same page with your parenting choices.
• Prioritize 3-5 minutes every day for each other. Sitting together, asking how each other is doing that day, hugging, holding hands, having a healthy snack together, stretching.

This is a time of peace and connection, of learning and growing, of change, of chaos. Accept each moment for what it is, the good and the sad. Do not be mistaken, there is often grief and sadness in the midst of the emotional rollercoaster that mothers experience. That is okay, you are a human, feel all of it.

You will have innumerable options and personal experiences rained down upon you, but even if you are first-time parents, you likely have some idea of how you want to parent and love your baby. Your instincts are correct, your instincts are the priority. The two of you, together, should do what feels right for your baby regardless of what your family or your friends say. I’m not implying you should ignore others, only highlighting that you can accept the opinions, absorb them, and merely take what works for your family and let the rest of it go.

It will not all be rainbows and butterflies. You both will be tired, you both may be cranky, you both may feel like you will never feel normal again. But one day you will not be so tired, you will not be so cranky, and you will have a new normal. Remind yourselves, and each other as appropriate, that this is temporary. Your baby is growing and changing every day, moving closer to independence, and one day you will wish you had this time back.

In the hard times of exhaustion and emotional interactions, always return to each other and reconnect again. This looks different for every couple, so talk to your partner about what this might look like for you. Identify it, so that when one of you attempts reconnection, the other will recognize it. And choose each other again.

Your partner is your highest priority. There is still an “us” outside of our children, and it is important that we honor that union.

HAVE A SUPPORT TEAM FOR YOU BOTH

Parents need a support system, and when they don’t have one, the struggle with adjusting to a new baby tends to be worse. A support system gives you the opportunity to learn to parent together and to strengthen your marriage within that experience by delegating other time-consuming tasks to trusted people who can help you.

Your support system does not mean your family necessarily. My husband and I are isolated many states away from our families, so we built our support system around our locally chosen family (re: friends) and healthcare professionals (doula, lactation consultant, etc). But, I will say we love our family dearly, and they are very good to us.

If your family represents this for you, wonderful! Personally, my mother came and stayed with us just before and 2 weeks after our baby boy came. She provided assistance with all the daily things that we didn’t want to have to worry about while we got to know our little guy. It’s important to set boundaries if you invite someone into your home during this unique and special time. Before baby arrives, if you are planning for company to stay with you to help, clearly communicate how you would like for them to help you. 

Household chores to consider outsourcing to your support system include:

• Meals. Meal trains are so popular now! Have your best friends set one up for you and say YES to as many meals as people want to bring you. 
• House keeping tasks. Say YES to those who offer to come over and help with laundry, vacuuming, dishes, yard work, and pet care (like taking the dog to the groomer or to play dates) 
• Holding the baby. Say YES to your trusted family and best friends who offer to come hold the baby while you take a long bath or nap with your partner. 

People to consider having in your immediate support system include: 

• Family 
• Best friends 
• Midwife
• Doula
• Lactation consultant 
• Breastfeeding support group 

I elaborate in more details in my other popular post, The Fourth Trimester, about how to prepare for those first three months. Preparation is key to strengthen your marriage during this trial-by-fire time.

Beyond the fourth trimester, continue accepting help with meals and tasks as you feel comfortable. You will still be tired, you will still have a new baby, and you and your partner will still benefit greatly from having extra adult hands supporting you in your parenting journey. 

If you have a support system ready from the beginning, you will be set up for success as your baby grows and changes over time. You will be challenged differently through each stage of development, and sometimes you will need more support from your support system. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Your partner should be familiar with all of the people in the support system and feel comfortable contacting them as needed for you.

Your partner is your greatest resource, your teammate.

SUMMARY

That’s what I’ve got for you today, and I hope you take it to heart! Take what works for your family, and let the rest of it go. Most people understand that their world will change after a baby joins the family. So take that knowledge and expectation, and prepare for it with your partner in a way that will keep you united and joyful. Together.

You can strengthen your marriage in the first year of parenting by:

1. Making a partner plan with your partner
2. Double teaming the baby as much as possible
3. Having physical contact with your partner every day
4. Making time for weekly check-ins
5. Prioritizing each other above all else
6. Having a support team ready to go before baby ever even arrives