My Breastfeeding Journey

Affiliate links may be included at no cost to you. As always, all thoughts and opinions are my own. 

LABOR & DELIVERY

Let’s go way back to the beginning. Theo was born July 29 of last year at 3:11am. He joined us earth side after 3 excruciating hours of pushing. I’ll save his birth story for another time, though. 

My doctor handed him to me and helped place him on my chest. She was joyful and thrilled, holding him up proudly for me to see. She resumed her activities between my legs, and Eric and I gazed at our sweet baby in total overwhelm. Ultimately, my placenta didn’t detach and there was a flurry of excitement with getting my uterus scraped out (literally) and restitching tears that had torn again as a result of the effort to get my placenta out. 

At some point, the labor and delivery nurse suggested I try and latch Theo to my breast. This was it people.

This was the culmination of hours of reading and talking and listening and preparing for the beginning of our breastfeeding journey together. But sheepishly I said, “I don’t know how.”

He was naked and slippery and sort of mewling on my chest but mostly relaxing quietly. The nurse began attempting to help us latch, and it became apparent that Theo didn’t know what he was doing either! He’s a baby, aren’t babies supposed to know that? He had one job, you know what I mean? 

Finally, he was latched. I was uncomfortable all around… the position I was holding him, how I was reclined, and I couldn’t tell if he was even on correctly. The nurse reassured me that he was and asked me to listen to the “shh-ing” noise, because that’s how I would know. Ummmm sorry what? I didnt hear anything. I told her as much, but by then it seemed to be my own problem to deal with as she was bustling around and busying herself doing other things.

Theo hung on for awhile, but I distinctly remember wanting him to stop. I was not impressed with this first experience. I honestly don’t remember if he stopped nursing himself or if the nurse interrupted and took him away for measurements. The amount of time it took for my complications to be treated heavily delayed the first nursing experience, and they were obviously eager to get me into recovery and out of the labor and delivery suite.

This is basically like a hallmark movie, don’t you agree? 

OUR HOSPITAL STAY

So, we did it! I pushed a baby out, and he lay peacefully in his little clear baby cage next to my bed in the recovery room. We weren’t really sure what to do… like do we hold him now or later? He’s asleep. What do we do with him while he sleeps? If he wakes up, then what? How do I know when to change that tiny little diaper, and also can we please talk about how tiny the diaper is!?

I was exhausted, but I still had adrenaline racing through my body and a million confusing hormones. I was sore. I was bleeding. I was incontinent. I was very aware of my baby but not totally sure what to do about him.

By now I had been awake for days. I felt soft and deflated. I felt very swollen and like a mac truck had just pummeled its way out of my insides through my butt. You get the idea, I digress.

My memory is spotty of these days. He nursed and nursed and nursed, that much I know. I would bring him to my breast to offer, and he would readily accept. But he wasn’t latching correctly, I would later come to find out. I noticed right away that I felt tender and somewhat sore when he was finished. He was nursing for almost an hour straight sometimes, so I assumed it was because of the prolonged nursing sessions that my tender breasts were unaccustomed to.

I was aware enough to be scared of the consequences of the prolonged nursing and cluster feeding if his latch was incorrect. I knew that things could go south very quickly, and I bombarded the nurses with requests to help me latch him. Sometimes they would, other times they didn’t answer the call light. The hospital has a lactation consultant that was present during business hours, and she would appear in my room to latch him for me in various positions as a demonstration, deliver two lactation cookies, and leave. While I appreciated her answering my questions (and the delicious cookies), I didn’t need to know how to hold him like a football to nurse him, and I didn’t need her to latch him for me. I needed more practice with latching him correctly myself.

By the second day in the hospital, I was in excruciating pain. He would wail and scream inconsolably. The only thing that quieted him was nursing, and so I was nursing him for hours at a time. The nurse team would swaddle him for us when we asked what else we could do, and when that didn’t work, they told me to put him back to the breast. By now I was in tears, because I didn’t want to nurse him. The pain was unbearable, and I was acutely emotional. But I did what I was told.

At one point, I came walking out of the bathroom topless looking like a million bucks in my disposable diaper (I couldn’t tolerate anything touching my nipples at this point), when a nurse walked into the room. The conversation went something like this:

Nurse: *wide-eyed staring at my nipples* oh my god, you’re covered in blisters

Me: yes I know

Nurse: That’s not okay

Me: yes I know

Nurse: I can barely look at you

Me: yes I know

Nurse: I’LL BE RIGHT BACK *bustles out of the room quickly*

She returned with cold gel pads for my nipples, and they would come to be the only strategy that gave me significant relief in the days and weeks to come as my nipples healed. She promptly had me demonstrate how I was latching Theo, and she made quick corrections with detailed descriptions on how to get his mouth open wider. By now, though, the damage was done.

I was covered in blisters on both nipples. The chaffing felt like hot sandpaper when he nursed, and I felt burning even when he wasn’t nursing.

The hospital’s lactation consultant saw me right before I left the hospital. I requested that she look at my breasts to see what had happened, and she suggested a nipple shield to help my nipples heal. The benefit of using the nipple shield was that I could see very clearly how Theo’s lips should be flared out and his mouth wide. However, he had much difficulty getting a milk transfer with the big piece of hard silicone in his mouth, and I was never totally sure that that I had it on correctly. We used it a few times, and by now I was extremely frustrated with the mixed messages I was getting.

I reached out to the lactation specialist who taught the breastfeeding class I attended while pregnant (shoutout to Ali with Valley Lactation!) She would follow me closely throughout our journey. She advised to get rid of the nipple shield right away, and she taught me how to help Theo latch deeply. My nipples healed with him still nursing and without a nipple shield. I would send videos, reach out to her in times of distress or frustration, and she was a wonderful resource. All mothers need this kind of help!

THE NEWBORN DAYS

In an effort to speak my own mom truth on this topic, I’d like to share a journal entry from when Theo was 3 days old. Here is a screen shot…

The best piece of advice that I can give new moms is to simply surrender.

During the fourth trimester, I experienced frequent headaches and jaw pain. I would clench my jaw tightly and steel myself in preparation for his latch, often times subconsciously leaving my jaw tightly shut for the entirety of the nursing session. I would have anxiety, watching the clock and knowing that he would want to nurse soon. For awhile, I had continued to have pain with his initial latch even if while nursing it didn’t hurt. Newborns nurse around the clock, about every 2 hours.

It took weeks for my nipples to heal. I don’t remember exactly when this was, but I recall sitting on our love seat, nursing Theo with the boppy pillow under him, and I didn’t have any pain or discomfort. It was liberating and exciting! I remember calling Eric over so that I could share with him the joy of nursing my baby in complete comfort. That was novel.

If my memory serves me correctly, I stopped having pain with nursing around 6 weeks, and I stopped having pain with latching around 8 weeks.

While pregnant, I had read many times in the books and resources I scoured that a woman’s likelihood of having success breastfeeding hinged on her support system. Women who want to breastfeed need to have people surround them, support them, love them, and validate their efforts to create and maintain the beautiful relationship that comes from breastfeeding.

My breastfeeding support group

I started attending the closest breastfeeding support group, which was about 1.5 hours away, when Theo was a couple of weeks old. It was the group that Ali ran, and these were the only times that we were able to see each other in person because of the distance. Driving that stretch of highway alone with a newborn baby made me very nervous but having that community of women was so important to my success.

There was something intimate and cohesive sharing a space with other mothers and their young babies. We each took turns sharing our stories, our struggles, and our joys. Often times our babies would nurse during the group time, and that was special to share those moments with other mothers as well. This provided the opportunity for the lactation consultant to see the latch in person and make minor adjustments to improve your breastfeeding relationship. There was an energy in the room of nervousness but also of acceptance. It’s hard to talk about your (perceived) failures and difficulties as a parent, particularly when we were all just getting started! But there is empowerment and confidence that comes as a result of your community holding you and your baby up and saying “you can do this” and “you are doing a great job.”

TROUBLESHOOTING

• Cluster feeding: Most babies cluster feed! Be ready for it, surrender. In the beginning, they need to do this to bring in your milk.
• Blistered nipples: I had blisters because of a shallow, poor latch. Once I buckled down and ensured that he was latching correctly each time, I could feel my body start healing. Cooling gel packs will be your best friend! Those linked are awesome, and I will have some on hand for the next baby just in case. For Theo, I had 4. I would rotate them out of the freezer, so when he was finished nursing or I was feeling particularly tender, I could put those on and have immediate relief.
• Chaffing: I think this would have happened regardless of latch, but that is only my opinion. As a first time mom, my nipples were not used to all of that attention. They will give you lanolin in the hospital, but I thought it was really gross. It is thick and goopy (and it’s made from an animal). You have to be careful to wipe your nipples off before baby nurses, because it’s not good for them to get in their mouths. Also, you become susceptible to a yeast infection with repeated applications, and your baby can get the yeast infection in their mouths. I recommend Earth Mama nipple butter, it was amazing! It is silky, light, and moisturizing. You do not have to wipe it off before you nurse the baby, nor are you at risk for any kind of infection. It’s definitely the best! Cooling gel packs help here too.
• Oversupply: Your body wants to make all the milk for all the babies at first, because it’s not sure how much milk your baby needs. Over time, your body will regulate but until it does, you may have oversupply. This just means you are producing too much milk. Catch the extra milk on the opposite side with a haaka.
• Witching hour: It’s a thing. In the evenings, at almost exactly the same time every day, Theo would become very fussy and screamy.
• Pacifiers: Theo uses a pacifier, and it did not affect my ability to breastfeed him. You will read various experiences, but in general I would wait a few weeks until breastfeeding is established. Then, feel free to give a pacifier. Babies are smart, they know the difference.
• Clogged milk ducts: I had my first clogged milk duct pretty late in our breastfeeding journey. They are extremely painful! You will know. It forms a hard lump where the milk is clogged and is tender to touch. You want to be careful and get the clog out as soon as possible, because you may develop mastitis if you don’t. I had success with hand expression, taking hot showers and massaging the lump towards my nipple, and using warm compresses. Continue nursing your baby as much as they want and in various positions, especially on the side of the clogged duct.
• Growth spurts: Each time Theo has a growth spurt, I feel drained. I don’t mean physically, I mean it feels like I don’t have enough milk because he nurses way more often and is much hungrier. My supply catches up within a day, but it’s always a little disconcerting. Don’t worry, trust your body, give it time to catch up. Your baby knows what he’s doing, what he’s asking your body to do, and your body will respond.
• Menstruating: Some women report that they have a drop in their milk supply when they start their period. I definitely noticed this for myself, but it only happened with my very first period. Since then, I have no issues with milk supply and menstruating. My lactation consultant recommended that I take certain vitamins before my menstrual period to help keep my supply stable. This could be an option for you!
• Biting: Your baby will grow teeth, and they will not understand that they can’t bite you. Each time Theo chomps down, I give him a big startle, take him off, and say “no bite.” You need to be very consistent, so they learn the association between “boob goes away” and biting. Now, he very rarely bites me. If he does, it’s an intentional form of communication, and I still always correct it.
• Fashion: One year later, and I’m still rocking nursing bras most of the time. My favorite way to dress in the early days was to layer 2 shirts. You wear a spaghetti strap or tank top under a shirt on top. When you are in public or with people, you just pull up the top shirt and pull down the tank top so only your boob is exposed (not your belly also). See image below with us in front of pumpkins, you can’t even tell what I’m doing!
• Return-to-work: You will want to save all of your extra milk from the beginning, so that you have a good stash saved up when you are ready to go back. I recommend using a haaka in those early days. Buy the one that has the suction base with a lid, I knocked mine over too many times and did feel like crying over spilled milk. Eventually, your body will be very regulated, and it may be hard for you to get more than a few ounces at a time off while you are away from your baby. I am only able to pump 2-3 ounces at best, and Theo eats 4-5 ounces at a time.
• Pumping: I wanted to know when I needed to start pumping. Some women start right away while others wait until it’s closer to time to return-to-work. I believe I started pumping around six weeks, especially because we needed to introduce a bottle (see next tip). You will want to make sure your flanges fit you correctly, and a lactation consultant can help you or the customer service of the brand of your pump.
• Introducing a bottle: Most resources I read recommended introducing a bottle around 4 weeks. You will not want to wait too long, if your intention is to return-to-work or you want to share feedings with your partner. Some babies will adapt easily, others will have a hard time. Theo had to try several brands of bottles before he settled on one that he would take consistently. Some resources recommend using a nipple that is a similar shape to your own for an easier transition.

Tip: The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding has every troubleshooting topic listed in their book and what their professional recommendations are for resolving them. I referenced this book often in times of difficulties. They also have sections that describe your baby’s age range starting at birth and how breastfeeding may change as they grow. I really enjoyed reading what I could expect for the next season of babyhood.

NOW

He nurses. I nurse him for nap times and bed time, even in the night if needed (and I am perfectly okay with that!). He occasionally will want to nurse between meal times, and I certainly allow him that snack as well. I continue to pump in the evenings to keep milk on hand for when I want to be away for a few hours or for when I go to work.

I like to tell people we are on the ‘no plan’ plan when asked. But, my truth is that I would love to nurse him at least to his second year of life and possibly beyond. I’m not sure exactly how that will look, since we want to have more babies sooner rather than later. I figure we will take it one day at a time, one nursing session at a time if needed, and when he is ready to be done (or I am), then we will find resources to learn how to wean.

What works for us is what works for us. What works for you is what works for you. That’s the beautiful thing about being a parent… YOU get to decide what is best for your family, for your children. When you doubt yourself, quiet the noise around you, turn off social media, tune out all the opinions, and ask yourself what makes you feel good and what feels right. That’s where you will find your answer, your plan.

HOW YOU CAN PREPARE

• Read or listen to The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding. There are many chapters that your partner will benefit from reading/listening to as well. This will help them to be on the same page with you, and this will help contribute to your action plan for your fourth trimester. Read more about that in my post, The Fourth Trimester. Discuss what your goals are with breastfeeding and how best your partner can support you. You will undoubtedly have moments of difficulties, but that’s all they are- moments. It gets better, so much better, as you and your baby learn to breastfeed together. It is a team effort.
• Attend a breastfeeding class! Often times, hospitals and other facilities will include a breastfeeding class with their labor & delivery class. I attended one through our favorite baby boutique, and that’s where we met our doula.
• Find and connect with a lactation consultant prior to your birth experience. You can talk about your goals with them as well, and they have more tips and suggestions for you!
• Find a local breastfeeding support group and connect with them prior to your birth experience. If you don’t have one locally, you can find one virtually through La Leche League. Use their map and location resource to find the closest one, and reach out to see if you can join their group. They will most certainly tell you yes <3
• Talk to your family and friends about your plans to breastfeed, and let them know how they can support you.
• Talk to your friends who tried and/or do breastfeed. They will be a wealth of information for you!
• Use a midwife and/or doula for your birth! They will usually have some training with breastfeeding and also be able to support you as you and your baby get started.

THOUGHTS

Breastfeeding is hard. It is not always intuitive or natural.

Sometimes mothers need help, more often than not in fact. It is okay to ask for help, it is okay to say you are frustrated, angry, and tired. You can feel that way and still want to breastfeed. You can feel that way and say that you feel that way and still be a good mom.

Over the past year issues have cropped up with breastfeeding. We address them with my support system, ask for help, and move forward in our journey. Once we were past the fourth trimester, life became significantly easier and nursing became easier as well. You can do this momma, but it’s okay if you don’t want to. I have many friends that wanted nothing else in the world but to nurse their babies and for various reasons, it didn’t work out. That’s okay. Today I wanted to take the time to share our story, because I often get questions about it and I needed a landing place to say “go here and let me know what you think.”

I intentionally shared a lot of pictures. They are pictures of intimate and private moments that I choose to share online, because I believe we need to normalize what it looks like for a mother to breastfeed her baby. The more we see it, the more we talk about it, the more comfortable mothers can be feeding their baby in this way. And, the more likely mothers are to ask for help so that they can continue their journey if that is what they wish.

That's all for today, I hope this was helpful! I would love to know about your breastfeeding journey! Comment below or shoot me an email, what are your thoughts and experiences on this lovely topic? I am happy to answer any questions you may have as well!